


Can't You See (That I'm the One)

by insomniacchronosaurus



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Mentions of iffy consent, Mutual Pining, Original Characters - Freeform, Other, Takes place in Texas, Toxic Relationships, Trans Male Character, and he goes by daniel cause they're in america, beomgyu uses he and she, brief discussion of it, fluff doesn't really come until the end, its not super angsty though, mayhaps i'd die for their friends who i invented, nonbinary characters - Freeform, references to the half of it because it is now one of my favorite movies of all time, soobin is kind of bad at feelings but he's doing his best, soobin uses he/him, soogyu are both nonbinary, talks of consent, yeonjun is a trans guy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24839656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/insomniacchronosaurus/pseuds/insomniacchronosaurus
Summary: Harriet wears short skirts. Beomgyu wears t-shirts. Harriet's cheer captain and Beomgyu's on the bleachers, dreaming of the day when Soobin wakes up and finds that what he's been looking for has been here the whole time.
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu/Choi Soobin, Choi Soobin/Original Character
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	Can't You See (That I'm the One)

**Author's Note:**

> if you can catch all the taylor swift references in the fic you deserve an honorary swiftie award (let me know which ones you noticed in the comments, i'm intrigued)  
> if you hate taylor swift don't read this cause the plot is based on a song of hers and like i said there's a lot of references and i don't have space in my life for ppl who hate her she's my idol so yeah i reference her deal with it  
> ok stream the cysm & puma mvs as well as their performances on studio choom & have a great day byeeee <3

Beomgyu is finding himself once again watching his best friend argue with his girlfriend over something ridiculous. His mind starts to form a metaphor about how if he had a dime for every time that happened, he’d be a rich kid, and he’s reminded of a line from a Victorious song. He rolls his eyes at the memory of Soobin’s girlfriend Harriet making fun of the two of them reminiscing on their favorite childhood show, saying it was stupid and childish. Partly out of spite for Harriet, and partly just because he wanted to, he reaches for his phone so he can play it. When he turns it on the date is displayed to him: Tuesday, October 14th. He bites his lip and tries to push away the reminder his brain provides about how the homecoming dance approaches. He was tired of thinking about his love life, or lack thereof because he couldn’t get over his stupid crush on Soobin, who was dating someone else. He’d tried dating others, but his heart was never fully in it because it just continued to belong to the nonbinary person next door. (Beomgyu was aware that didn’t have the same ring to it as the boy next door, but to call Soobin a boy would be inaccurate and misgendering him.)

_ “ _ _Shirr!”_ Went the rope of the horizontal pulley system Soobin and Beomgyu had created years ago to send each other notes. They now had the ability to text, and it was what they most often did for efficiency, but they couldn’t help but still use their old way of communication from time to time, for nostalgia’s sake. Pulling on the rope was also a way to let the other person know that they were down and needed a good chat. So Beomgyu walked to his window to place a note containing the words _“You ok?”_ in the basket. He sent it back to Soobin’s window and waited for his friend’s response. A couple minutes later he got Soobin’s note, which just said, _“Tired of drama.”_ Beomgyu looked up and saw Soobin watching him from his window. Beomgyu made a sympathetic face and mouthed,  _ “I’m sorry" _ Soobin shrugged and Beomgyu felt the amount of care he had for the elder seize his heart painfully. He hated having to see him deal with Harriet’s bullshit. Why couldn’t he realize that he deserved so much better? And that that someone better was right in front of him?  Beomgyu went to get another piece of paper, and with his heart racing wrote a message down. He practically ran back to the window, wanting to send the note off before he lost the courage, but Soobin’s curtains were already drawn and windows shut. Beomgyu felt his shoulders droop down and held the note up.

_ “I love you.”  _

“Morning little bear,” Soobin said as he sat down next to Beomgyu on the bench at the bus stop by their houses. Beomgyu closed his book and looked up at his friend, thinking  _ My God he’s beautiful  _ for the thirteenth time that day. Beomgyu’s first thoughts of the day were usually about Soobin. It was a bit of a problem.

“Hey, I forgot to ask you yesterday, what senior trip did you vote for?”

“Roller skating, though I’ll probably fall down a million and one times. What about you?”

“Tree planting, though no one else will choose it. None of them paid attention to my recycling campaign freshman year.”

“Unfortunately Beom, teenage Texans are not as concerned with environmental conservation as you, though they should be. And though I’m all for saving the earth, I kind of really hope that doesn’t win because it’ll probably involve some exercise.”

“You chose roller skating, though! That’s a sport.”

“It’s not like we’re doing a roller derby. Besides, it was the option that was most likely to end with us hanging out.”

“You chose based on the probability of us being together?”

“Yeah, because if I voted for the movies you’d go to Annabelle and I, being a coward would go to Coco, and if we did tree planting they’d put us in groups alphabetical by first name, which is weird by the way, why don’t they do it by last name? Anyway we would be in different groups because the first initials of our birth names are not near each other, and if we went to museums we’d be in different places because Ms. Anderson has been raving all year about wanting to take us to the McDonald observatory and you don’t take Astronomy.” 

Soobin looked at Beomgyu like he’d said the simplest, most normal thing in the world. Beomgyu stared back at his friend with his mouth agape. 

“You did all that mental gymnastics just to deduce which trip would give you the highest chance of spending time with me?”

“Well yeah, Beom. Of course I want to spend time with you. You’re my favorite person in the world.”

Beomgyu desperately hoped he didn’t look as affected by this whole conversation as he actually was, because holy shit would he be a mess if he did. Not only did Soobin map out the different outcomes of each scenario like this was a choose your own adventure book, but he just said that Beomgyu was his favorite person in the world. And he didn’t mention this, but Beomgyu knew Harriet was in Soobin’s astronomy class, which meant he would rather spend time with Beomgyu then Harriet. Soobin would rather be with Beomgyu than his girlfriend. And Beomgyu was his favorite person in the world, not Harriet. Soobin would rather be with Beomgyu then Harriet and thought of Beomgyu as his favorite person and not Harriet. For the first time in a long time Beomgyu truly felt he wasn’t reaching when he thought  _ Could Soobin like me more then Harriet? Could Soobin like me as more than a friend? Could Soobin like me back? _

But before Beomgyu could really get his hopes up, the revving of a Convertible’s engine drew his attention and he turned to see Harriet pulling up in her car, taking off her sunglasses. 

“Sorry bear, gotta go. I have a free first period so Harriet’s taking me shopping. Apparently I dress too preppy to be seen with her. Whatever that means. Anyway, I’ll text you!” Soobin got up off the bench and into the car, sitting down in the passenger’s seat. Harriet pulled him into an embrace and started kissing his neck, making eye contact with Beomgyu as she did so. Beomgyu rolled his eyes to play off how much it hurt to see someone else (especially someone so vile) get to be so close to the person he was in love with. Harriet rather aggressively pushed Soobin off of her and drove away. 

In a perfect world, Beomgyu would be the one driving that car, and he and Soobin would be going to school together. In a perfect world, they would walk in holding hands, and their classmates would tell them how cute they were and how they envied them. In a perfect world, the two of them would skip class to make out in the janitor’s closet. In a perfect world, they would be as PDA-y as possible in front of Gal and Maya at lunch just to bug them. In a perfect world, they could spend their afternoon on a date in the park, having a picnic and cloud gazing. In a perfect world, they would go back to Soobin’s house and bake together, having a food fight during it that ended with Soobin wrapping Beomgyu in a back hug and peppering his face with kisses. In a perfect world, before Beomgyu left for the night Soobin’s mother would tell him that she thought he was perfect for her child. In a perfect world, Soobin would walk Beomgyu the fifteen feet between their houses and kiss him goodnight underneath the stars. In a perfect world, before Beomgyu went to sleep he’d be greeted with a text from Soobin where he said “I love you” and called Beomgyu a cute pet name. Beomgyu would text him something similar in return and fall asleep with a smile on his face.

But in reality Soobin and Harriet drove off and Beomgyu waited for the bus. In reality when he walked into school no one noticed him except for a guy on the football team who shouted “watch it, Chinese girl!” when he bumped into him. In reality Beomgyu sat through all of his classes, and the few he did share with Soobin his friend was nowhere to be found because he was presumably skipping with Harriet. In reality Soobin sat with Harriet and her friends during lunch and Beomgyu just watched Gal and Maya flirt like they always did. In reality, Beomgyu went back to his house after school and did his homework. In reality, Beomgyu ordered takeout from Maya’s family’s restaurant and watched The Lorax because his dad was working late. In reality, Beomgyu didn’t receive any sweet goodnight texts that led him to fall asleep with a smile on his face.

Because Beomgyu did not live in a perfect world.

“You’re pouting. How come you’re pouting?”

Beomgyu ran a hand through her hair. “It’s not a big deal.”

“No, it’s something. Talk to me.” Daniel, Beomgyu’s long time internet friend from California, made an adorable, big eyed pleading face; his cuteness radiating through the screen. Beomgyu sucked her teeth. 

“Okay, okay.” Beomgyu picked at some loose threads on her socks. “It’s Soobin.”

“Oh honey. Still?”

Beomgyu rolled her eyes, her brain immediately making the connection towards the iconic franchise in which she and Daniel had first bonded over. “Always.”

Daniel wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Nope, nope, nope, nopedy nope, I do not want you quoting a child bullying, creepy ass murderer that for some reason got a redemption arc. Also in general we are no longer claiming J.K. Rowling’s work, as she has very boldly shown herself to be a transphobe.”

“Oh shit, yeah. Sorry.”

“What are you sorry for?”

“That I referenced the work of a transphobe...you’re trans…”

“You’re trans too, Beom. Nonbinary people are in the white stripe of the flag. Wait, do you identify as trans?”

“Eh...not quite. Sort of. I don’t know, gender’s weird.”

“You can say that again. Besides, it’s okay. I may say now that we are no longer claiming J.K. Rowling’s work, but in a few months I’ll probably be turning on Chamber of Secrets again.”

“That one’s your favorite? That’s so random; no one talks about the first two. Not sure why anyone’s favorite wouldn’t be Half Blood Prince, really-”

“Shut up, the second is superior. Anyway, the point I want to make is that while J.K. Rowling sucks, I’ll still always love Harry Potter. And that’s okay, as long as we acknowledge the problematic shit in the books, like the House Elves and goblins running Gringotts, and the transphobic shit she’s said and done. We can’t separate the art from the artist, because it would be wrong to ignore her bigotry, but it’s also not realistic to expect ourselves to just a rip a chunk of our childhoods out of our lives forever. We can’t change the fact that shitty people are sometimes talented, and we’re allowed to enjoy the art as long as we also acknowledge the art’s flaws and call out the artist on what they’ve done. Unless they’re like a pedophile or an abuser.”

“You know, you always act so whiny and childish that I’m like ‘how is he older than me,’ but then you have your moments like this where I’m like ‘damn, he is wise.’”

Daniel grinned, and Beomgyu knew some of that joy came from Beomgyu using his correct pronouns, because as a closeted trans guy, Daniel barely got to hear them.

“Anyways! Enough tangents on moral philosophy. You’re sad about Soobin?”

Beomgyu sighed-another thing she found herself doing a lot lately. “Yeah. I’m still as in love with him as ever, and he’s still as taken as ever.”

“He’s still dating that awful Harmony chick?”

“You know it’s Harriet, and yes. He’s so stupid for it too. She’s obviously awful, yet he stays with her. It should make me love him less, but I don’t. It’s so infuriating. Why can’t I not love him?”

“I wish I knew how to quit you,” Daniel said in somewhat of a Southern accent. Beomgyu tilted her head. 

“Huh?”

“You know, Jake Gyllenhaal.”

“I have only seen one of his movies in my life, and I don’t remember him saying that in Okja.”

“C’mon. Brokeback Mountain?”

“Never seen it. It always sounded like one of the pitiful, bury your gays flicks to me.”

“Okay it is, but it’s also really good, and you should know the history of our people.”

Beomgyu snorted. “I didn’t know Jake Gyllenhaal was Korean.”

Daniel made an unamused face and Beomgyu laughed.

“You know I meant-”

“The gays, the gays, yes I know. God really had to fuck the two of us over and be like guess what: you’re not cis or straight! Now grow up as one of the only six Asian kids in your town and deal with everyone’s casual, incessant racism while being closeted.” Beomgyu realized she’d gone on a tangent that no longer fully applied to both of them and cleared her throat. “That last part was more me.” 

“Yeah, I know. I wish I had magic powers that could bring you here.”

“But then I wouldn’t be with Soobin.”

Daniel rolled his eyes. “He can come too. You’ve really got it bad for him, huh?”

Beomgyu’s eyes drifted over to a pile of papers on her bed (homework she’d intended to do but had abandoned when Daniel texted asking if she wanted to Skype) and pushed them aside to look at the three word note she’d written for Soobin the other day and never gotten to show him.

“You have no idea.”

“I hear that you’re in need of my talents?”

Soobin turned around to see a familiar blue eyed white girl with curly blond hair leaning against the vending machine. 

“Oh yeah! You’re Allie, right? Allie Snap?”

“The one and only. Now what’s this I hear about you wanting me to write you a song?”

“Yeah, well my friend-” Soobin hesitated, not wanting to say Beomgyu’s birth name (even though that was what he went by at school, still being closeted) because he only did it when he absolutely had to. He pointed across the cafeteria to where Beomgyu was sitting with Gal and Maya. 

“The one with the silver hair?”

“Yes! It’s our anniversary soon, so I was wondering if you could help me make a song for...her.” Soobin gritted his teeth. In general, Beomgyu did use she pronouns as well as he, but he had texted Soobin this morning about how he was feeling dysphoric and on this particular day would much rather be referred to as he. But Soobin couldn’t out him. Unfortunately it wasn’t the first time that day he’d had to call Beomgyu she, and it probably wouldn’t be the last. It still never got easier.

“You wrote a really good one for the talent show, so I thought you might be good at this.”

“Thank you, but I’m a bit confused. You said it was you and your friend’s anniversary soon, but aren’t you dating Harriet Barnes?”

“Yeah, it’s our friendaversary. An anniversary of being friends.”

Allie shrugged. “Okay. How will I be compensated?”

“Twenty bucks?”

Allie narrowed her eyes and Soobin sighed.

“Thirty bucks?”

“Sold.” She walked over to the nearest table (which was empty) and sat down, beckoning Soobin to join her. He obliged and she pulled out a loose leaf paper and pen.

“Alright. Tell me about your friend.”

Soobin didn’t need to think about what to say of Beomgyu, but he wanted to figure out a way to talk about him as much as he could without using pronouns. He wanted to minimize the amount of misgendering he had to do.

“My friend…” Soobin stopped to chuckle. “Drives me crazy half the time. Never shuts up. Well, that’s not true. There are some nights where we don’t need to talk. We can just be together, because all we need is for the other person to be near. And we know everything about each other. We don’t hide anything. We cry in front of each other and can talk about the things that confuse us, because neither of us really understand this world. Usually that’s scary, but for us, knowing we have the other person there, we don’t feel as scared. My friend is just... amazing, because when we’re together, I feel like I can be myself. With other people I always feel like I’m pretending, but when it’s the two of us, I feel like me. I don’t feel that way with anyone else.”

“Mmmhm. Okay. Do you mind if it’s country sounding? That’s the genre I prefer writing in.”

“No, that’s fine. Thank you again for doing this.”

“You are paying me,” Allie said as she folded the paper she’d been taking notes on and slipped it into her pocket.

“I know, it’s just that I’m sure writing a song isn’t easy, so I want you to know how much I appreciate this.”

Allie chuckled. “Sure thing, kid.”

“I’m going to be eighteen in two months.”

“Fellow Sagittarius?”

“Yeah, December 4th.”

“Dammit, I’m December 13th. Well even if you have an extra nine days on me you look more like a kid then I do, so I’m going to call you one.” Allie started to walk off.

“How do I look like a kid? I’m six foot two!” Soobin called after Allie, but she didn’t respond. His phone buzzed in his back pocket.

little bear: come back to us we miss you

giant bunny: i’m omw

giant bunny: clingy

little bear: :p

“Who were you talking to?” Maya asked as Soobin sat down.

“Allie Snap. We have History together, and I needed to ask her about the due dates of a project.”

“Oh, yeah, I remember her from the talent show. What was the name of the song she wrote?” Beomgyu asked.

“Our Song. I recorded a video,” Gal said as he pushed his glasses up his nose.

“You did? Please send it to me! It’s been getting stuck in my head ever since the performance, and I always found it so annoying that I couldn’t remember the lyrics,” Maya said as she stole a sip from Beomgyu’s chocolate milk.

“It is now in the group chat. Oh, and before I forget, I should send you yesterday’s biology notes,” Gal said as he tapped away on his phone.

“No, you don’t have to do that-” Maya started to say, but Gal waved her off.

“I already took the pictures, and I don’t have to be in the same biology class as you to know that you fell asleep during it. It’s fine.”

Maya kissed Gal on the cheek. “You’re the best, Leo.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “Get a room!” 

Gal fidgeted awkwardly in his seat. He’d been hopelessly in love with Maya ever since the four of them had become friends, but unfortunately, she was oblivious. Sometimes Soobin just wanted to yell at her, “He’s been here all along! Why can’t you see that you belong together!” But he didn’t want to overstep any boundaries. (Besides, Soobin knew that they would get together eventually. It was only a matter of time.)

Maya snorted. “That’s rich, coming from you.”

Soobin looked at Maya. “What do you mean?” 

“If anyone needs to get a room, it’s you two. You could not be more disgustingly in love with each other.”

Soobin laughed. “C’mon, you know I’m with Harriet. We’re just friends. Right, bear?” 

Beomgyu nodded, staring at his tray. “Yup. Just friends.”

Soobin furrowed his eyebrows, immediately picking up on Beomgyu’s discomfort. He put his finger under Beomgyu’s chin, tilting his head up. “You okay?”

“Of course.” 

The bell rang, and everyone started to stand up to throw their food away and rush to their next class. 

“I’ll see you all after school, right?” Beomgyu asked as the four of them stood up. 

“Sorry bear, I’m sticking around to drive Harriet home after cheerleading practice. But I’ll text you, okay?” Soobin said, taking Beomgyu’s hand and squeezing it.

“Okay.” Beomgyu smiled a bit at Soobin, but he could tell it was halfhearted.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Now go.” Beomgyu pointed behind Soobin, and he turned to see Harriet standing near the water fountain, waving at him with a smile. He waved back.

“Your girlfriend’s waiting for you.” 

Beomgyu clearly wasn’t okay, but now wasn’t the right time or place to talk about it. So Soobin turned back around and placed a hand on Beomgyu’s cheek.

“Tire swing. Meet me there tonight at seven thirty.” Soobin quickly kissed Beomgyu’s head and ran off to Harriet. 

“Hey there sexy,” she said, grabbing his shirt to pull him in for a kiss. Though he was caught off guard, he kissed back.

“Uh, hi,” Soobin said, laughing, when Harriet pulled away to start kissing his neck. “Whoa, easy. People are watching.”

“Is she watching?”

“Who?”

Harriet looked into Soobin’s eyes, the disgust in them evident. “Your little bear,” she said mockingly before leaning back in and continuing to suck Soobin’s neck. Soobin turned his head the slightest bit to see Beomgyu was indeed staring at him and Harriet. 

“Uh...yeah.”

After a moment, Harriet pulled away and smiled. “Good.” Her eyes drifted down to where her mouth had just been, so Soobin followed them to see she’d given him a hickey.

“Babe! We talked about this. I don’t like when you mark me, it’s embarrassing.”

“Well I like it, because then everyone can see you’re mine.”

“It’s my body. You should respect me when I say I want you to stop doing something to it.”

Harriet laughed. “Oh, that’s cute.” She took Soobin’s hand and walked through the cafeteria exit, dragging him along with her. Soobin furrowed his eyebrows.

“What’s cute?”

“You think I respect you.” 

“Slamming screen doors, sneaking out late, tapping on your window. When you’re on the phone and you talk real slow, cause it’s late and your mama don’t know,” Beomgyu sang to himself, smiling at the end. He had just watched the video Gal took of Allie’s talent show performance and her song immediately got stuck in Beomgyu’s head. He remarked on her talent in the group chat, and Gal and Maya agreed. Soobin hadn’t said anything. He also hadn’t texted Beomgyu like he said he would either. Beomgyu had now been waiting at the tire swing for almost an hour and a half. Being neighbors their whole lives, Soobin and Beomgyu spent a lot of time at each other’s houses. They had special places across the two homes, and one of those special places was the tire swing in Beomgyu’s backyard. The day his father had put it up was one of Beomgyu’s favorite memories. He had been four, and Soobin was five. It was a scorching July day where all they had worn were tank tops and their Pull-Ups. (They were both late bloomers when it came to potty training.)

Soobin and Beomgyu’s families were supposed to be having a barbecue that day, but upon discovering how hot it would be they called it off. Soobin and Beomgyu were both devastated. To make it up to Beomgyu, his father installed a tire swing to a tree in the backyard. Beomgyu had found it tremendously fun and insisted Soobin come over so he could play with it too. His parents allowed him to go, and eventually Soobin’s family ended up coming over to Beomgyu’s anyways. They just decided to eat inside; having traditional Korean food they barely had the chance to eat now that they lived in America. Everyone had an amazing time. The funny thing was, despite the heat, Soobin and Beomgyu spent almost the entire time outside playing on the tire swing. Their parents and Soobin’s siblings had all stayed within Beomgyu’s house, where there was air conditioning and cold drinks, but Soobin and Beomgyu stuck to the swing for hours. 

Beomgyu had felt like he could forget about how hot he was when he played with Soobin. He never felt like he could get bored or tired around him either. It was the day that Beomgyu first realized how much he cared for Soobin. Which is why once Soobin’s family started getting ready to leave, Beomgyu pulled Soobin in for a hug and whispered, “You’re my best friend,” in the older’s ear. Beomgyu didn’t think he would ever forget the smile that appeared on Soobin’s face when he heard those words. So although they had multiple special spots, the tire swing was their favorite. It was the only one they really still used these days, and Beomgyu had believed for years that this tire swing would always remain special to him. But it seemed Soobin was about to desecrate it’s honor by not showing up.

If one of them told the other “Tire swing,” it was a code for we need to have a long, deep talk. It could be one of them was having a hard time and needed to vent, that one of them was worried about the other, or that one of them missed the other and just wanted to chat again. Beomgyu thought of it as something sacred and important. He always took it seriously when Soobin said “tire swing,” and the older usually did too. But his absence was currently making Beomgyu think that had changed. He knew Soobin was with Harriet. Well he didn’t know, but he felt like he probably was. And if his suspicions were confirmed, it would just be the cherry on top of the “you’re in love with your best friend who doesn’t love you back cause you’re a dumb fucking homo” ice cream sundae that was Beomgyu’s day. Why had Soobin being with Harriet gotten so much more painful recently? For a while he was able to repress his emotions enough that it didn’t really bother him, but the last week or so that had felt impossible. He really wished he could stop loving Soobin.

“Sorry, sorry, god Beom, I am so, so sorry,” Soobin said as he ran over to where Beomgyu was leaning on the tire swing. He especially wished that he could stop loving Soobin right now, because he really wanted to be mad at him, but his heart was too weak to not forgive him.

“Let me guess. You picked up Harriet from cheerleading, she dragged you to a bunch of other places you didn’t want to be, dragged you back to her house, you two had sex, and now you’re late?”

“Have I really been ditching you that much?”

“No, you and Harriet are just predictable.” Soobin sighed and sat down on the grass. Beomgyu joined him, crossing his legs. 

“I really was trying to get away, just so you know. I didn’t want to go to Chipotle or Starbucks or Jeremy’s house or go for a drive in Sophie M’s car but Harriet’s been having a hard week. I couldn’t just leave her.”

Beomgyu nodded, staring at the ground, the words  _ I’ve been having a hard week too, but she’s more important, right?  _ thudding around his skull.

“Then I tried to get away once we got to her house, but she said having sex would really make her feel better, so I couldn’t say no.”

Beomgyu whipped his head up. “What do you mean you couldn’t say no?”

“She’s been feeling down, and as her significant other I should always do what I can to make her feel better when she’s upset-”

“You don’t have to have sex with her if you don’t want to. You know that, right?”

Soobin seemed caught off guard. “Of-of course I know that. I fully consented.”

“But was it because you wanted to? Or just to make her feel better?”

Soobin opened and closed his mouth. “I-I mean, would it be so bad if it was just to make her feel bett-”

“Yes!” Beomgyu exclaimed, almost shouting. “You shouldn’t have to do something if you don’t want to, especially if that thing is sex. Your body is your body, and you have the right to only let someone else do something to it when you want to, if you want to. You shouldn’t be doing it just because she wants it. Sex should be mutually beneficial. And you shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t say no to her. Even if she’s feeling down, you’re still allowed to set boundaries. Letting her walk all over you is not being a good significant other. It’s just hurting you.”

“I say no to her sometimes! I told her that I wanted her to stop giving me hickeys.”

“Then why do I see a hickey on your neck?”

Soobin lowered his head. “Because she gave me one anyway.”

“And what did you say when she did that?”

“I reminded her that I didn’t want her to do it, but she said she wanted to do it. I said it’s my body, and that she should respect it when I ask her to stop doing something to it.”

“And how did she respond?”

Soobin’s head seemed to hang even lower. “She laughed and said that it was cute that I thought she respected me.”

Beomgyu now fully turned his body towards Soobin, his eyes not leaving his friend. “How are you still dating her after that?! She blatantly said she doesn’t respect you. You deserve to date someone who treats you with respect!”

“It doesn’t matter what I deserve, it matters what she wants-”

“No! You matter too. You need to stop putting her first.”

“She’s my girlfriend-”

“Who you’ll inevitably break up with! We’re in high school. You really think what you two have is gonna last? Or that she won’t get bored of you and toss you aside? She doesn’t care about you, Bin. She’s using you because you got hot over the summer and now everyone wants to fuck you. She’s just trying to maintain her social status as the most popular and envied girl in the school. Don’t give her that. You deserve better than someone like that.”

Soobin looked like Beomgyu had just stabbed him. Beomgyu inferred that Soobin was probably realizing that Beomgyu was right, and Harriet didn’t care. And since Soobin was a sweet, innocent little bean, he was probably heartbroken about it. Beomgyu was about to open his arms for a hug, expecting Soobin to start crying and fall into them, but for the first time in his life, Beomgyu didn’t correctly predict his best friend’s actions.

“Do you think I’m not good enough for her?”

Beomgyu leaned back. “What?”

“You think there’s no way she could ever really like me, don’t you? That I’m too awkward or nerdy for her? You think the only way she could be dating me would be that she’s using me?”

“What? No, that’s not what I think at all-”

“It’s exactly what you think. I know it.”

“No, that’s not-”

“I get it now. You don’t like her because me dating her makes you feel threatened. You can’t stand the thought of me hanging out with popular kids, because what makes me more deserving of it than you?”

“I don’t care about being popular-”

“No, I have you figured out. You don’t value our friendship as much as you value popularity or attention. But you’re acting like you still care so you can sabotage me from climbing up the social ladder.”

“Bin, do you even hear yourself? I would never-”

“Don’t lie to me. I know what you’re doing, and I’m not going to stick around for it.” Soobin stood up as he spoke, and he began to march off at the end of his sentence. Beomgyu immediately started to chase after him.

“Bin, no! Please, let me explain! That’s not what I meant at all-”

“I’m not listening.”

“Please, Bin, let’s talk about this-”

“You should know that there’s no point in saying anything, because I’m using selective hearing right now.”

“Come on, you know me! You know I wouldn’t do something like that! Please, just listen, Bin _ -” _

“Stop fucking calling me Bin!” Soobin whirled around and screamed in Beomgyu’s face. Beomgyu immediately stepped back. They stared at each other in silence, Beomgyu’s heart hammering.

“Soobin,” Beomgyu said softly after a bit. “ _ Please.  _ Listen. Let me explain what I meant, you’re just misunderstanding-” Beomgyu put his hand on Soobin’s arm, and Soobin jerked it away. Beomgyu physically felt like he’d been stung.

“I understand perfectly. You only care about yourself. If you stopped caring about me, or didn’t want to be my friend anymore, that’s fine. It happens, people grow apart. But you could at least do me the courtesy of saying so instead of trying to come up with a scheme to ruin my relationship and boost your social status.”

Beomgyu felt his eyes well up with tears. “Do you really think I care more about being popular than I care about you?”

Soobin looked down at the ground. 

“I don’t know what I think anymore. I just know I no longer trust you.” 

Soobin walked away, and this time Beomgyu let him go, because he was paralyzed. Tears started streaming down his face but he barely moved. He didn’t know what to do with himself. If seeing Soobin be in a relationship with someone else broke his heart, then Soobin’s words had just burned it. Beomgyu’s chest ached; like Soobin had physically reached inside it, pulled his heart out, and thrown it into a fireplace. He ended up falling to his knees, sobbing to the point where he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to scream.

Once he was able to get up his veins were flowing with rage, so he stormed into his house, up the stairs to his room and grabbed his phone. His first thought was to smash it, because breaking things would probably be really cathartic right now, but instead he called Daniel.

“Please, please, please pick up…” 

“Beom?”

“Soobin somehow thinks that I don’t really care about him anymore and he said he no longer trusts me so I feel like fucking dying.”

Daniel helped Beomgyu calm down, guiding him through breathing exercises and speaking soothingly, reassuring Beomgyu that Soobin probably is just confused or stressed and will see in time that he’s being ridiculous. 

“I just can’t believe he could ever think I don’t care about him.”

“I can’t believe it either. You’ve been like, metaphorically throwing rocks at his window for three years. Side note, I still can’t believe he hasn’t realized you’re metaphorically throwing rocks at his window.” 

Beomgyu chuckled bitterly. “A lot of girls are throwing rocks at his window. Probably boys too that I just don’t know about. And nonbinary people. At least one. Me, obviously.”

“I know. And there may be a lot of people throwing rocks at his window, but you’re the only one who’d stay through it all, you know? You would be waiting outside even if it rains or gets cold-”

“This makes me sound like an obsessive stalker.”

“Just let me have my metaphors.”

The two chatted for a little while longer, Beomgyu feeling a lot better than he did when they started the call. They talked for a little over half an hour before Daniel left to go have dinner. Beomgyu thanked him and hung up, laying back on his bed and looking up at the ceiling, which was plastered with drawings and crafts from his childhood. He turned to lay on his side. Even if Soobin wasn’t involved in the creation of all of those drawings and crafts, Beomgyu couldn’t think of his childhood without thinking of Soobin. But when he turned to his side, he saw the framed picture he had of the two of them on his nightstand. He groaned and turned to lay on his other side, only to see his closet, which contained many items of clothing Soobin had bought for him. Beomgyu groaned again and turned to lie on his stomach, his hands under the pillow. He finally thought he’d found a position where he wouldn’t see anything that could remind him of Soobin, but when he started feeling around under his pillow, he found a friendship bracelet he’d made with Soobin at his birthday party when they were ten.

“Ugh! Fuck you, Choi Soobin!”

“Who’s Soobin?”

Beomgyu turned so he was once again lying on his back to see his father standing in the door frame. Fuck, his dad had heard that. Soobin and Beomgyu were both closeted and still went by their birth names, so Beomgyu’s father didn’t know Soobin as Soobin. Beomgyu had to think of a lie to get out of this.

“Uh...he’s um, a..a...kpop idol! I’ve recently gotten into his music. I was just saying that because darn, he’s just so infuriatingly attractive!” Beomgyu forced a smile. He knew his father wouldn’t believe it, but ideally he just wouldn’t prod at it any further. Luckily he fulfilled Beomgyu’s wishes by just nodding and sitting down on Beomgyu’s bed.

“I saw you two outside earlier. Lover’s quarrel?”

“We’re not dating, Dad. He’s with someone else.”

“But you want to be dating him, don’t you?”

“If my feelings are this obvious, how come he hasn’t seen it yet?”

“Unfortunately teenage boys can be pretty oblivious.”

In his head Beomgyu thought to himself that Soobin wasn’t a boy, but since he wasn’t out he kept that thought to himself.

“Did you two fight because he’s dating another girl and you’re in love with him?”

“Eh, kind of? I feel like that’s sort of what was underlying it all and he just didn’t know it.”

“What happened?”

Beomgyu sighed. He explained the fight to his father, who listened attentively. He mostly just nodded and went “mmh hm” but occasionally provided reactions. When Beomgyu was done, he shook his head.

“That’s crazy.”

“Yeah.” Beomgyu reached for his favorite stuffed animal and hugged it to his chest. (Luckily Gal had gifted this to him, so it didn’t remind him of Soobin.)

“You two are going to be okay. You know that, right?” Beomgyu’s dad said.

“Did you forget the part where he said he didn’t trust me anymore?”

“He was looking for a reason to be mad at you. He didn’t want to accept what you said about Harriet, so he came up with a reason to ignore it. I think he knows the truth about her, at least subconsciously. But he doesn’t want to believe it.”

“Why? Because she’s a great girlfriend and he’d miss her so much?”

“Because she makes him feel special. You said she was the most popular girl in school, right? And that  _ she _ asked  _ him _ out? That really boosted his ego. Now because he’s dating her everyone thinks he’s cool, and he’s not ready to lose that, because it makes him feel good about himself.”

Beomgyu sat up. “You really think he would be that shallow?”

“I don’t know if he’s shallow so much as insecure.”

Beomgyu looked down at his lap, processing all his father had said. “That does sort of make sense. Also Harriet is clearly toxic, but he’s scared to admit it because it’s really hard to leave toxic people! Dammit, I should have been more sympathetic. I pushed him to dump her like it was so easy. He’s definitely thought about it. He’s definitely wanted to, but he’s scared. But  instead of considering that, I pressured him into doing something really difficult because my stupid heart desperately wants him to be single. God, how could I be such a jerk?”

Beomgyu’s father put a hand on his child’s knee. “You’re not a jerk, my dear. You’re just in love. And love is messy. And horrible and selfish and...bold.”

Beomgyu looked up at his father, who was grinning. So as much as he wanted to, Beomgyu couldn’t not smile back and play along. “‘Love isn’t finding your perfect half, it’s the trying and reaching and failing. Love is being willing to ruin your good painting for the chance at a great one.’”

Beomgyu’s father looked right into his child’s eyes once he had finished reciting the monologue. “‘Is this really the boldest stroke you can make?’”

Beomgyu made a face of confusion. “What stroke of mine are you referring to?”

Beomgyu’s father shrugged and stood up, smile not leaving his face. “That’s up to you.”

“Are-are you saying me letting him abandon our friendship isn’t bold enough, or that I should tell him how I feel, or-”

“Up to you to decide!” Beomgyu’s father was now walking towards the door. 

“No, Dad! Dad, you have to tell me what your metaphors-or quote choices or whatever-mean!”

“I didn’t choose to quote that for any specific reason other than it’s your favorite movie.” Now having reached the door, Beomgyu’s father turned back around and smiled again, mischievously this time. “Sleep well, my dear. I love you.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes, sighing. “Love you too.”

“Seriously though. You two are going to be alright.”

Beomgyu exhaled. “I hope so.” 

Soobin often knew Gal to be stoic, calm, quiet, impassive, and patient. But when Maya was involved, that all went out the window.

“Can’t you two just work it out? I’m sure it wasn’t that big of a deal. She’s your favorite person in the whole world, and you two always come back to each other.”

“Not this time,” Soobin said, his hands clenching his tray.

Gal whined. “But I miss Maya! She’s been going to Emily W’s house every day this week to work on some project they have for Physics so now lunch is the only time we can hang out. Please don’t take it away from me.”

“You can’t just leave me to have lunch on my own.”

“Why don’t you go have lunch with Harriet?”

Soobin’s stomach twisted. He had been trying not to think about Harriet the past few days. “I would really prefer not to.”

“And I would really prefer to have lunch with Maya.”

Soobin felt guilty because Gal never asked him for anything. But he really didn’t want to be alone. Luckily for him, the universe sent him a solution.

“Hey uh-what’s your name again?”

Soobin turned around to see Allie Snap walking up to him and Gal. 

“Call me Choi.” Since realizing that he was nonbinary and choosing to use a new name, he had started asking people he wasn’t out to to refer to him as his last name so he could hear his birth name as little as possible.

“Cool. Anyway, I started working on that song you asked for. Want to hear what I’ve got so far?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Follow me.” Allie turned around and started to walk across the cafeteria toward the exit. Soobin turned to Gal, who gave him a thumbs up and patted his back, encouraging him to follow Allie. So he jogged to catch up with her.

“Where are we going?” Allie smiled. 

“To where the cool kids hang out.”

Soobin followed Allie out of the cafeteria to the music room where three other kids appeared to be vibing. A short white boy with round glasses sat on a chair in the right corner of the room with his feet up on another chair, a redhead with green eyes sat by the drums in the left corner, and sitting beside her was a black girl with a bright smile. None of them were people Soobin recognized. 

“Who’s this?” The short boy with glasses asked.

“He liked the song I wrote for the talent show, so he hired me to write one for his friend fort their anniversary.”

“That’s so sweet!” Said the girl with curly red hair. “I’m Abigail.”

“I’m Kamilah,” said the girl sitting next to her on the floor. 

“Jack,” said the bespectacled lad. 

“Call me Choi.”

“Come here, Choi,” Allie said. Soobin walked over to where she was now standing. Her backpack was on the chair next to her and she was holding her phone, so Soobin assumed she just got her phone out of her backpack.

“Okay. Listen to this.” She held the phone up to Soobin’s ear.

“Friday night beneath the stars, dadda dadda, something something, you and I are painting pictures in the sky. And sometimes we don’t say a thing, la la la la la la, everything I need is right here by my side. And I know everything about you, I don’t wanna live without you. I’m only up when you’re not down, la la la la la la la la la la, other lyrics I haven’t written yet, da da da da, well you drive me crazy half the time, the other half I’m tryna to let you know that what I feel is true. I’m only me when I’m with you. Or something like that.”

The recording finished and Allie pulled her phone away. “It’s not done yet, just a rough demo, but I thought you might want to know what it was sounding like in case you hated it-”

“It’s beautiful,” Soobin said softly. “I love it.”

“Oh. Uh...thank you.”

“You’re really talented,” Soobin said, louder this time.

Allie rubbed her neck shyly. “Not really.”

“Yes really,” Jack said, standing up and walking over to them. “Your lyrics are incredible. You should give yourself more credit.”

“Yeah! I’ll never forget how beautiful the song you wrote for me was,” Abigail said.

“She wrote you a song?”

“Yeah, it was after a guy I really liked screwed me over. It’s called Fifteen and it’s amazing.”

“She actually wrote me a song too. I had to do a project on Ethel and Bobby Kennedy for history but was annoyed about it because I found them extremely dull. So she found a picture of the two of them that inspired her and wrote me a song to help me find them less boring, and I got A on the project,” Kamilah said before beaming. Soobin turned back to Allie.

“How long have you been writing songs?”

“Since I learned how to play the guitar when I was thirteen. I probably have hundreds by now.”

Soobin whistled. “That’s insane. Imagine having talent? Couldn’t be me.”

“I’m sure you have a talent.”

“Not really. I’m an okay cook and a decent artist, but there’s nothing I excel at.”

“Sounds like you excel at being a friend,” Jack spoke up suddenly. Everyone turned to him.

"You’re paying someone to write a song for your friend to celebrate your anniversary. Most people would have just gone with a gift card.”

“No way. I had to do something special.”

“Then that’s your talent. Having a big heart,” Kamilah said. Soobin rolled his eyes.

“That’s not a talent.”

“Anything can be a talent. One of my talents is tying my shoes.”

“That’s not a talent, it’s a skill.”

“So you’re saying some aren’t better at tying shoes than others?”

“Okay, fair point.”

“If you’re really unsatisfied with it, just accept this as your talent for the time being. Before you figure out what it actually is,” Abigail suggested.

“It’s not that bad. Just unconventional.”

Allie smiled. “Around here, we  _ love  _ the unconventional.”

“Glitter should taste better than it does.”

Beomgyu and Maya were in the latter’s bedroom, making a promposal (really homecoming dance proposal, but that phrase isn’t as smooth as the word promposal) sign for Gal, as Maya was going to ask him to the homecoming dance on Friday. 

“Luz, help-I’m torn. Shiny blue narwhal stickers or frogs saying positive affirmation stickers?” 

Beomgyu smiled. Maya had started calling Beomgyu Luz a few weeks ago, as it was the word for light in Spanish, and according to Maya, Beomgyu brought light and energy wherever she went. Not only was it adorable and brought joy because Beomgyu loved whenever someone referred to her with a nickname or pet name, but it was also gender neutral and kept Beomgyu from having to hear her birth name when she was with Maya. (Mostly.)

“Narwhals. He appreciates weird animals.”

“I know. I’m just second guessing myself. I’m really nervous.”

“Why? He’s not going to say no.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do. He’s been stupidly in love with you since the first day of freshman year. I don’t know how you don’t see it.”

“Hmm, sounds familiar.”

Beomgyu sighed, understanding that they were now talking about Soobin. “He’ll never see me as more than a friend. I’ve accepted that.”

Maya just shook her head and looked back down at the poster. “Let’s talk about something other than romantic feelings.”

“With pleasure. Have you decided what you want to major in?”

“I’ve known what I want to major in since middle school. The problem is how much it costs.”

“You could go to school in Scandinavia. They have free college there.”

“You’re forgetting the part where I don’t speak Norwegian, Finnish or Danish.”

“Maybe you could teach Spanish classes! I’ve heard about people teaching their native language in other countries without knowing the language of that country.”

“I thought I was going to Scandinavia to study?”

“Oh, uh...stay here and pay your tuition by teaching Spanish lessons?”

Maya laughed. “If only pursuing a PhD in neuroscience was that cheap.”

Beomgyu pouted. “I wish one of us were rich and could give you a loan.”

“A shame we’re all the children of immigrants who didn’t get to complete their own education because of their families’ poverty.”

“It really is a shame! You would be the best neuroscientist ever if you got the chance.”

“It’s okay, Luz. While I’ve known what I wanted to be when I grew up since I was ten, I also knew then that I would never be able to get it. I’ll settle for joining the family business.”

“But that’s not what you want. You should go after what you want.”

“I’d love to, but I can’t.”

“You could apply for a scholarship, and take out a loan-”

“There’s no way I could ever afford to pay it back. I would come out of college with negative zero dollars in my bank account.” 

“There has to be something we can-”

“There isn’t Luz, and that’s okay. Like I said, I accepted a long time ago that my dream would never come true.”

Beomgyu furrowed her eyebrows. “No. I’m not giving up on you.”

Maya looked up from coloring a letter on the poster with a scented marker. 

“What do you mean?”

“You’ve clearly given up on yourself, but I won’t. You may be satisfied with letting yourself be a waitress at a Panamanian restaurant for the rest of your life but I’m not. You deserve a chance to follow your dreams, and I want you to be happy, so I’m going to make sure it happens.”

“I...I don’t know what to say. No one’s really fought me on this before. When I tell people I’ve accepted that I’ll never get to do what I love they just sort of accept it.”

“Seriously? Even Gal?”

Maya nodded and Beomgyu took her hand. 

“You deserve to be surrounded by people who will help you do what makes you happy.”

“Gal wants me to be happy. He’s just not very good at motivating people.”

“I know. Which is why I’m here.” Beomgyu smiled at Maya, and she smiled back, but four years of friendship helped Beomgyu see that Maya’s smile just then was not a genuine one.

“You okay?”

Before Beomgyu could process what was happening Maya was kissing her. Beomgyu was surprised but instinctively kissed back, placing her hands on Maya’s waist. As soon as she was aware of what was happening she gently pulled away, their faces still very close.

“Maya?”

Maya buried her face in Beomgyu’s neck, starting to sob. Beomgyu didn’t hesitate to cradle her in an embrace, rubbing her back.

“I’m sorry-I don’t know why I did that, I don’t know what’s wrong with me-”

“Nothing’s wrong with you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I didn’t?” Maya said, looking up at Beomgyu hopefully. “So it might be okay if I did it again?”

“I wouldn’t dislike it, but it wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m in love with someone else.”

Maya stepped back out of Beomgyu’s arms. “Right. I knew that. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s okay.” 

Maya nodded, her eyes glued to the floor. Beomgyu sat down on Maya’s bed and patted the spot next to her. Maya sat down and Beomgyu patted her shoulder to let Maya know she could lean her head on it, which she did. They were quiet for a while, Beomgyu just rubbing circles into Maya’s waist with her fingers. But silence was made to be broken.

“Do you have feelings for me?”

Beomgyu felt Maya inhale sharply.

“It’s okay if you do.”

Maya’s voice was shaky when she next spoke. “Is it?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Because we’re both girls! I’m a girl. I’m not supposed to have feelings for girls.”

“Why not?”

“Because the Bible says it’s a sin-”

“The Bible says a lot of things are sins. It also says that we should all love our neighbor despite their sin.”

Maya went still for a little while, burrowing back into Beomgyu’s arms. Beomgyu was reminiscing on her own queer journey. When she had first had feelings for someone of the same sex, (a girl named Kamilah who she had music class with sophomore year) realizing she was not straight, to questioning her gender, to realizing she wasn’t fully a girl or a boy, to today, where she knew firmly that she was a genderqueer bisexual. Maya however, was clearly much further back on her own queer journey than Beomgyu. Maya was still in the shame and denial stage.

“I don’t want to go to the Homecoming dance with Gal. I don’t want to go on a date with Gal at all. I don’t like him like that.”

Internally Beomgyu was surprised, as the two of them were always flirting, and she had always thought Maya’s feelings were mutual, but she stayed silent. Right now she had to listen.

“I don’t think-I don’t think I’ve ever actually liked a boy like that. But I have felt that way about…”

“About girls?”

Beomgyu felt Maya nod on her chest. She stroked her friend’s hair.

“It’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with being a girl that likes other girls. I know you’ve grown up being told it’s a sin, but I promise it’s just as normal as being a girl who likes boys. There’s nothing wrong with love.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I’ve been where you are, and it’s hard to get past the idea that you’re broken, but you will get there eventually. You’re going to be okay, Maya.” Maya sat up and looked at Beomgyu, eyes wide.

“You’ve been where I am? Are you saying-”

“Yeah. I’m bisexual.”

Maya’s jaw dropped. “Seriously?”

“Yeah, seriously.”

Maya’s face stayed frozen in shock before she started to laugh hysterically, and Beomgyu couldn’t help but laugh with her. She felt herself swell with relief at seeing Maya smile, having felt a bit guilty before for not being able to return Maya’s feelings.

“Well at least I didn’t fall for a straight girl,” Maya said once they had calmed down, wiping her eyes.

“Oh don’t worry, it’s a curse all sapphics endure. It’ll happen to you eventually, and I’ll be there with a girl in red playlist and tub of ice cream when it does.”

“What does sapphic mean?”

“Gosh, there’s so much to teach you. By the way...I’m not just bisexual.”

Maya looked confused. “What do you mean?”

“I’m also...not exactly a girl. Do you know what being transgender is?”

Maya nodded. “Are you saying you feel like a boy?”

“Sort of. I’m not totally a boy and not totally a girl. It’s complicated and weird, but I basically don’t really feel 100% like either gender. I’m just a person. I know it doesn’t really make sense, but I can’t help how I feel.”

Maya seemed to think for a bit, causing nerves to sir in Beomgyu’s stomach, but then she put her hand on Beomgyu’s knee.

“You said there’s nothing wrong with being gay. But then when talking about your gender you said it’s weird and doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t seem fair.”

Beomgyu didn’t know how to respond. “I guess I just assume other people will find it weird, so I want them to know that I know it’s weird.”

“But it’s not weird. If me liking girls isn’t weird, then you not totally feeling like one isn’t weird either. Now, should I still use she when I talk about you? And is there another name you’d rather be called?”

Beomgyu felt like her chest was glowing. This was the best response she could have hoped for. How did she get so lucky to have Maya as a friend?

“She and he are both good. Some days I feel uncomfortable with one or it just makes me feel better to hear one rather than the other. Generally, unless I say otherwise, you can refer to me as whichever one you want. And I do have another name I’d like people to call me...it's Beomgyu.”

“Beomgyu?” Maya said, sounding it out. “Where did that come from?”

Beomgyu smiled at the memory of the night she had chosen Beomgyu to be her new name. Soobin had decided his new name that night as well. They had different reasons for wanting to go by new names, as despite both identifying as nonbinary, they experienced gender quite differently. But the names they had chosen did coincidentally share the similarity of both being Korean. Beomgyu always felt happy when there was something she and Soobin had in common, as it helped her feel closer to him. But considering where their friendship was at the moment, all reminders of him made them feel further apart. She shook her head. She was answering Maya’s question right now, not thinking about the drama she had with her unrequited crush.

“It was what my mother wanted to name me if I had been born a boy.”

“That’s interesting. The name they did give you wasn’t Korean.”

“Yeah, my dad was kind of relieved when I was born a girl. Have I told you about my parents?”

“Well yeah you’ve talked about them, but you haven’t really told me stories or whatever.”

“They were both born in South Korea but my dad moved here when he was kid. My mom lived there for most of her life, but after she finished school she decided to move to America. There she met my dad and they fell in love. I wasn’t a planned pregnancy though. They had only been together five months when they found out they were going to be parents. My mom didn’t want to have me at first, as she had never planned to raise a child in another country. She wanted her and my dad to move to Korea together, get married, and start a family there. But she didn’t tell my dad about this plan until they found out they were pregnant, and he really didn’t want to live in Korea, so they argued but eventually decided to stay here.

My mom insisted that she be allowed to choose the name since she had given in and stayed in America, and she originally wanted to give me a Korean name regardless of gender, but the longer she lived in America the more she saw how difficult life could be without an English name. So she thought if I was born a girl, I should be named something Americans could pronounce. But when I learned that I could have been named Beomgyu I was sad that wasn’t my name, because Beom in Korean means tiger and I thought that was cool. Then she got pregnant again and we found out it was a boy and she promised she would name that baby Beomgyu. But then she died giving birth to that baby, who was a stillborn.”

Maya already knew about Beomgyu’s mother’s death, and about the brother she had that she never even got to see. But she decided to include it in the story, to help Maya see why she had chosen that name. And as she had hoped, understanding dawned on the girl’s face.

“You chose it to feel close to them,” she whispered.

“Yeah. And also because I had always liked the name. Even if it will lead to some tragic spellings when I go to Starbucks.”

Maya giggled. “I’m really glad you told me all this, Luz. Is it okay if I still call you Luz?”

“Please do! It’s adorable.”

Maya pulled Beomgyu in for a hug, holding her tight.

“I’m really glad we’re friends, Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu hadn’t heard anyone call her that except for Daniel and Soobin, so it set off a rush of euphoria in her tummy. She held Maya even tighter.

“I’m really glad too.”

“Whoa, did you paint that?”

Soobin looked behind him to see Allie’s friend Jack. They had waved at each other when everyone walked in, but hadn’t actually exchanged words since that day in the music room with the girls. It was funny how they could have art class together for almost two months and not talk at all until they met under different circumstances. The universe had a funny way of bringing people into your life.

“Yeah, why?”

“It’s awesome. You’re really good.”

“Really? Thanks.” Soobin looked at his canvas with pride. It displayed a girl who was figure skating mid-jump. (Soobin’s guilty pleasure was watching old Kristina Yamagutchi videos when he was supposed to be sleeping.)

“Do you draw a lot?” Jack asked, sitting down next to Soobin at his table.

“Yeah, but they’re not that good. Casual doodles and sketches.”

“Can I see some?”

Soobin got the gray journal he’d bought from Marshall’s out of his backpack and handed it to Jack. He turned back to his painting but his focus was quickly pulled away when Jack started to audibly react to Soobin’s work.

“Dude, these are amazing! If this is what your stuff looks like when it’s casual, I can’t imagine how good it is when you’re challenging yourself.”

“It’s just for fun. Something to do when I’m bored.”

“Something you’re really good at.”

Soobin shrugged. “Guess I’m lucky.”

“If this is just something you do when you’re bored, what’s something you love to do?”

“Eat. Watch TV. Sleep. Listen to music.”

“No offense dude, but you sound really boring. Where are your hobbies? Interests? What are you passionate about?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think I’ve found my passion yet. What makes something a passion?”

“A passion is something that you’ll fight for. Something that means a lot to you and it would kill you to lose it because it’s just so important to you.”

Soobin put his paintbrush in the cup of water by Jack’s hand. “Can a person be your passion?”

“Yeah, you can be passionate about people.”

Soobin leaned back in his chair. “Then I think I know what my passion is.”

Jack grinned. “What’s her name?”

Instead of answering, Soobin hit Jack with a question of his own.

“I have a girlfriend, but she’s not the person I’m thinking of. The person that I’m passionate about. Is that bad?”

“Kind of. You just implied that you’re not passionate about your girlfriend.”

“She doesn’t care about me anyway, so I guess we’re even.”

“Why are you dating her if she doesn’t care about you?”

“Because I don’t want to be single.”

“Why not?”

Soobin opened and closed his mouth. How could he explain this? He barely understood it himself.

“Because...if I’m not dating anyone, I’ll have to confront some feelings I don’t want to think about.”

“Like what?”

Soobin’s heart started to thump uncomfortably in his chest. Thoughts and memories were swarming in his brain that he desperately wanted to block out, but he knew repression didn’t work. A panic attack was definitely approaching.

“You okay?”

“Y-yeah, sorry. Excuse me.”

Soobin ran out of the room as quick as he could, pulling his phone out of his pocket as soon as he was in the hallway. He texted Gal, thanking God that he had a free period right now. (Gal would never, under any circumstances, skip a class.)

least intimidating tall person: can you come to the hallway by the art room? i’m kind of freaking out

telescope enthusiast: omw

Soobin sat down on the floor with his back against the wall, trying to calm himself down. 

“You’re fine, everything’s fine, it’s all going to be okay Bin-”

Oops. He had unintentionally reminded himself of the problem, because Beomgyu liked to call him Bin. Or he did, before Soobin ruined everything. Why had he said all that dumb stuff to Beomgyu? Why had he yelled at him? Why was he dating Harriet? Why did he always do what she wanted? Why didn’t he ever know what he wanted?

“Dude, calm down.”

Soobin looked up to see Gal walking up to him, joining him on the floor.

“H-hey, Galileo.”

Gal quirked an eyebrow. “You never call me that.”

“It is your name.”

“Yeah, but you always call me Gal. What’s up?”

Soobin sighed, his breath rattled and shaky. “I’m, uh...feeling s-sort of overwhelmed cause, well, things are kind of confusing and scary, and...I need to tell you something, but I’m scared to admit it to myself, and-I don’t know, I’m just-”

“Bisexual?”

Soobin looked into Gal’s eyes. “What?”

“You’re bi, right? Not trying to steal your thunder, just thought it might help you feel more comfortable if I made it clear that I know.”

“Wh-how-”

“I’m not in the business of assuming people’s sexualities, but you draw and paint enough masculine figures for it to make sense that you’re attracted to them. And you talked enough about how cool and good looking our gym teacher was last year that I thought you might have a crush. But you’re also obviously in love with a girl, so I thought you were probably bi. Or pan. Sorry if I’m putting labels onto you; that’s really not my place.”

“Well, I-I am pan.”

“Cool.” Gal waited patiently for Soobin to say more, but he just sat in shock because that was the last way he expected this conversation to go. At least Gal knew now. Well, not entirely.

“I’m actually, uh...nonbinary, too. And I would prefer to be referred to as Soobin.”

“Okay. What are your pronouns?”

If Soobin could be any more shocked, he would. “Uh-still he/him. You know what nonbinary means?”

“Soobin, do you know what it is I want to do with my life?”

Soobin tried not to be too thrown off at hearing his real name come out of a mouth that wasn’t Beomgyu’s. “Uh, be the first Afro Caribbean president of the United States?”

“Yup. Now if I’m going to be the leader of the free world, I have to know about the needs of the people. Learn about their lives, stories and cultures. Which includes learning about the lives, stories, and cultures of the LGBT+ community. I’ve done my research, and plan to continue doing so. I want to fight for the betterment of the lives of all Black people living in America, and there are LGBT people who are Black, so I have to fight for them too. I’m also just a decent person that believes no one should be discriminated against. So yeah, I know what nonbinary means.”

Soobin stared at Gal, dumbfounded. “You’re amazing.”

Gal smiled. “Thanks. You are too.”

“I really appreciated all of that, and I’m glad we talked about this, but that’s not what was bothering me.”

“What is it?”

Soobin felt a lump form in his throat. “I think I’m in love.”

“I know.”

“But not with-”

“I know.”

Soobin buried his face in his hands. “I don’t know what to do.”

“You could tell her how you feel-”

“No way. There’s a chance that if I did that, things could become weird and our friendship could be ruined. I can’t risk it.”

“She’s in love with you too.”

“You don’t know that-”

“Yeah, I do. It could not be more obvious.” 

“How? How is it obvious?”

“How her face lights up when you walk into a room, how she goes out of her way to do things that will make you happy, how she thinks about you all the time, and I know that because we can be talking about something completely irrelevant and she’ll find a way to mention you, how happy it makes her to be close to you, how much she worries about your well being, how even if she’s in a bad mood she’ll act happy if you are, how much she misses you when you haven’t seen each other in a while, how she always looks at you and Harriet longingly-”

“Longingly?”

“Yeah. With a sense of longing.”

“I thought it was angrily, because of the lack of trust of Harriet.”

“That too, but most of the time it’s longing. Because she wishes it was her.”

Soobin bit his lip. “Is this all just inference and assumptions, or-”

“Oh no, she’s told me flat out that she has feelings for you.”

“Are you lying to me?”

“Of course not. Why would I lie?”

Soobin held his arms over his chest. “I don’t know.” 

“Are you scared to admit that she likes you back because then you’ll have no reason to not tell her what you feel and you’re scared to confess because relationships where you actually care about the other person are scary?”

Soobin looked up at Gal, stunned, for the second time that day. “How do you know my emotions better than I do?”

Gal smiled again. “I pay attention.”

“I’m scared. Of course I’m scared. What if we dated but then broke up and could never be friends again? I can’t risk that. I can’t risk things becoming awkward or uncomfortable between us. I can’t risk losing what we have.”

“You’re only risking those things if that ‘what if’ is true.”

“Are you saying it’s not true?”

“I have no way of knowing what will happen if you two start dating. What I do know is that you shouldn’t deny yourself of something you want because of a possibility.”

“But I should risk my friendship for the possibility of us being a good fit?”

“That’s what love is, Soobin. Taking risks for the chance at something great.”

Soobin sat up straighter. “It’s...being willing to ruin your good painting for the chance at a great one.”

Gal patted Soobin’s knee. “Exactly, br-uh, pal.”

Soobin smiled and pulled Gal in for a hug. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me for accepting you and giving advice. That’s what friends do. And I will gladly do my job as your friend anytime.” Soobin pulled back to look at Gal and put his hand on Gal’s cheek.

“Then thank you for being my friend. I’m really glad you’re in my life.” Soobin put his forehead to Gal’s, closing his eyes. He was thinking of how best to express his appreciation when he suddenly felt a pair of lips on his. He opened his eyes in shock to see that Gal was kissing him.  Soobin figured that if this was how Gal wanted Soobin to show his thanks then he might as well kiss him back, but then he remembered he was still with Harriet and gently pushed his friend away, who immediately started to stammer out apologies.

“I’m so sorry dude-wait, does it make you uncomfortable if I say dude? I’m sorry for that too, I don’t know what I was thinking, you just told me you’re in love with someone else which I already knew anyway and you have a girlfriend, I’m really sorry-”

“It’s okay, don’t worry about it. But what about Maya?”

“M-Maya?”

“Yeah. Aren’t you in love with her?”

Gal rubbed his neck and looked at the floor. Soobin saw his shoulders go up and down. “I don’t know. I thought so too. She is my best friend. But...you make me feel a certain way that no one else can. Not even her.”

“Horny?”

“Wha-no! I mean, not no, because yea-I mean-” Soobin started laughing and after a moment Gal joined him. Soobin took his hand.

“Like I said before, you’re amazing. I’m so lucky to get to be close to you. But like you said before, I am in love with someone else. And I have a girlfriend.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be; it’s okay. That kiss was probably the best one I’ve had in a while.”

“I’m a better kisser than Harriet Barnes?”

“Yeah, but even if you weren’t it would have been better because I don’t fear you.”

Gal looked at Soobin with eyes full of sympathy and concern. “You want to break up with her, don’t you?”

“Of course I do. I don’t think I ever really wanted to be with her in the first place. But…”

“It’s not easy?”

“To put it simply.” Soobin sighed. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do it.”

“Of course you are. You have us.”

Soobin wanted to smile, but he couldn’t ignore the reminder that he and Beomgyu weren’t exactly in the best place right now.

“I have you and Maya.”

“And-”

“No, I ruined things. Remember? Accused her of not caring about me and said I didn’t trust her anymore. I don’t see her lending strength and support after that.”

“There’s this new fangled thing the kids call apologizing. You should check it out, it’s pretty nifty.”

Soobin rolled his eyes. “It’s not that simple. The stuff I said really hurt..;her. I know it. Even if I do say sorry, I don’t know if it’ll be enough.” Soobin fiddled with his rings. “I was so scared of confronting the truth about my relationship and feelings because it could possibly make me lose her, but it seems I didn’t need all that stuff to ruin things. I did it on my own.”

“You didn’t ruin things. She’ll forgive you eventually.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you two can’t live without each other. No matter what happens I know you’ll stay in each other’s lives because you have to. You know how a rhino has that bird that sits on it and eats its ticks? And the ticks are the bird’s diet so it helps the bird but also the rhino so it doesn’t have ticks? That’s you two.”

“A rhino and a bird?”

“Yeah! A symbiotic relationship. You help each other out while also getting something out of it.”

“Now you’re just making it sound like we sleep together.”

“You wish.”

Soobin laughed. Gal smiled at him with a trace of sadness in his eyes. Soobin patted his shoulder.

“Sorry I can’t return your affections.”

“Sorry for having them.”

“Don’t apologize. You can’t control who you have feelings for.”

“I know. I just feel weird. I always thought I liked Maya, but I also kind of always knew that I felt something for you. But I suppressed and denied it enough until I fully believed that I was straight. But now...I feel like I can’t ignore it anymore.”

“I get it. Figuring out your identity is really hard. And confusing, and frustrating, and terrifying. But like you said before, you have people here to give you strength. Unless you’re not ready to come out to anyone else. Then I’ll be here to provide all the strength I can.”

“Not much with your noodle arms.”

Soobin nudged Gal’s shoulder and Gal nudged back. Soobin stole a glance at him.

“You’re going to be okay, you know?”

Gal exhaled. “Yeah. I think I know. It’s hard to actually believe it. That I will be okay.”

“Then I’ll keep telling you until you do.”

“How did you do this alone?”

“Who said I figured it out alone?”

“See! You share everything and are each other’s eternal support systems. That’s never going to change. You have nothing to be afraid of.”

Soobin’s phone buzzed, so he went to see the notification. Once he had swiped it away he looked down at his lock screen (a selfie of him and Beomgyu.) He felt his heart twist.

“I hope so.”

“Either we’re having a guest for dinner or you have really bad news.”

Beomgyu had walked into the kitchen to see her father had prepared dinner, which  _ never  _ happened. He was either always out working or too tired from work for them to eat together, let alone for him to cook for them. Beomgyu didn’t mind that, as she understood that his dad was busy, but she always did think that it would be nice if they could spend some more time together. But now that it was happening, Beomgyu couldn’t help but be suspicious.  _ Did he get fired? Is he sick? Does he have a girlfriend?  _

“Neither, my dear. I just wanted to do something special for you.” Beomgyu went up behind her dad to give him a kiss on the cheek, but was distracted when she saw what her dad was making.

“Tteokbokki?! You made tteokbokki for me?”

“Of course, daughter. I would do anything for you.” Beomgyu nodded and looked down at the ground. Though at the moment she was feeling comfortable with she pronouns, in general she wasn't a fan of gendered nouns. That’s just something she could add to the list of things to mention once she finally comes out to her dad.

“Could you set the table, my love? It’s almost ready.”

“On it,” Beomgyu said with a smile. A part of her had been kind of glad before when her dad wasn’t around for dinner, because she feared that sitting down at the table she wouldn’t be able to help think of the empty chairs. She loved her dad to pieces, but sometimes it was hard to feel like they were a family without her mom and little brother that never was. But at the moment she was optimistic. Maybe there was a chance for the two of them to fill up the void in the house.

“Your 할머니 (grandmother) would probably find my cooking shameful, but I did my best.”

“It looks awesome, Dad.” The pair started to eat and chat about their days. Beomgyu recounted the dramatic event of frogs the freshman were supposed to dissect escaping the biology classroom and being found all over the school, which left her father in stitches. He told her about the heated discussion he had gotten into about who should play James Bond next (Beomgyu’s father was team Idris Elba while his friend was apparently spearheading the campaign for 007 Ryan Gosling.) The two laughed and caught up, and with the exception of when Maya came out to her, this was the first day since her fight with Soobin that Beomgyu was able to forget about him. Even if it was just for a moment. Baby steps, right?

“Hey, kid. What are you thinking about so hard?”

“Oh, uh-nothing.”

Beomgyu’s dad turned to the window and looked at Soobin’s house. “Still haven’t made up yet?”

“I don’t think we ever will. I feel like he hates me.”

“My dear, you two have been best friends your entire lives. That’s eighteen years. Eighteen years straight of you being friends. I’ve never done anything for eightee years straight. Except parent you, I guess. Anyway, you don’t spend almost two decades doing something and then just abandon it once it gets a little difficult. Haven’t you had fights before?”

“Yeah, but never like this. And we usually made up in like two days. We now haven’t spoken for a week and a half, which is the longest I’ve gone my whole life not talking to him.”

“And how are you doing?”

“Kind of, somewhat, lowkey but not really like don’t freak out Dad I’m fine...awful. I just miss him so much. And I’m really scared that the feelings I have for him are going to ruin our friendship. I hope not though, because I probably wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that was the case.”

“You know how I know you two are going to be okay?”

“How?”

“Because he’s sitting at your tire swing right now.”

“What?” Beomgyu ran up to the window and looked out of it to see Soobin was indeed, sitting at the tire swing. Her heart started racing.

“Do you think he’s waiting for me?”

“I don’t know. You should go find out.”

Beomgyu swallowed and nodded. She walked out the door and into the backyard, her anxiety only growing as she got closer to Soobin. He didn’t seem to notice her, even when she was right in front of him. He was clearly in a world of his own.

“Soobin?”

At last the elder focused his attention back to what was in front of him, and he became visibly flustered once he realized who was there.

“Beomgyu. Hi.”

“Mind if I join you?”

“Of course not.” Soobin moved over so Beomgyu could sit down next to him. They stared up at the sky. Beomgyu was eager to move to a big city for college, because Plano felt stifling, but he did always appreciate that he could see the stars.

“Remember when we had connect the dot constellation worksheets?”

Beomgyu smiled nostalgically. “Yeah. We made a competition out of who could complete the most.”

“But Ms. Jones ran out of worksheets so we tried to make our own.” Soobin chuckled, and Beomgyu thought that his smile could probably light up the whole town.

“Yeah, my Cassiopeia definitely left something to be desired. Didn’t you say it looked like-”

“Like the chair she was sitting on was a yet to be identified species of insect.” Beomgyu couldn’t help but look over at Soobin, and when their eyes met they burst into giggles.

“Seven year old you was such a fucking nerd,” Beomgyu said through laughter.

“So you were you. That’s why we were friends.”

Beomgyu felt her insides turn into stone. “...Were friends? Past tense?”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that! We...we are friends. If you still want us to be.”

“You mean it?”

“Of course I do. I’m really sorry about everything I said, Beom. I was being stupid and ridiculous. I didn’t want to accept the truth. Which is that you were right. Harriet is using me. And I should break up with her.” Soobin sighed and Beomgyu took his hand.

“I’m sorry I was pressuring you about it. It’s not easy to break up with someone, especially when that someone makes you feel the way Harriet does.”

Soobin nodded. “It’s tough. Sometimes I’ll be in class and she’ll send me a text that contains some sort of insult. I think I should dump her right now, but as soon as I leave the class I’ve lost the nerve. And whenever I see her...I don’t know. She kind of makes me feel like a bad person for not doing what she wants.”

Beomgyu put her head on Soobin’s shoulder. “You’re not a bad person. It’s okay to want things, and it's okay if those wants don’t always align with what other people want. No one should make you feel bad for not being their puppet.”

“I know.”

Beomgyu traced lines on the inside of Soobin’s wrist. “I want you to be happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. I’ll always do whatever I can to make you happy. I’m here for you, Bin.”

Soobin smiled at Beomgyu with a brightness that put the stars and moon to shame. Beomgyu clenched her jaw to keep herself from crying. She was so fucking in love with him it hurt.

“I love you, Beom.”

Beomgyu forced herself to smile. “I love you too.”

Beomgyu planned to just run up to her room and cry as soon as she got inside, but the way was blocked by a red bicycle. But neither Beomgyu or her father had a bicycle.

“Dad?”

“Hey! You two make up?”

“Yeah, we’re good now. What’s this bike doing here?”

Beomgyu’s father walked into the kitchen with a proud grin on his face. “It’s yours.”

“What? Seriously?”

“Yeah! I know your birthday isn’t for another five months, but I saw this on sale, and you’re always talking about wanting to reduce your carbon footprint, so I got you an early gift.”

“Dad...this is amazing, and I thank you, but I'm now positive that there is something going on. What’s up?”

Beomgyu’s father looked down at the floor. “I didn’t mean to invade your privacy. I wasn’t trying to snoop or anything, it’s just that you left your phone in the kitchen the other night and I saw you were getting a call. I went to answer it to tell the person that you were studying and they should call back later, but before I could say anything they started talking.”

Beomgyu was shaking, but it felt like every part of her was shaking. Even her lungs. It would probably explain why it was currently feeling kind of hard to breathe. “What did they say?”

“They called you Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu sat down at the kitchen table, feeling like her trembling legs couldn’t support her much longer. “Was it Daniel?”

“I didn’t ask the person their name, but the contact was ‘danny boy’ with a fox emoji.”

Beomgyu sighed. “That would be Daniel,” she muttered under her breath.

“If you’re feeling upset about your mother and brother, you can talk to me, you know? You don’t have to pretend your brother is alive by giving yourself his name-”

“That’s not what’s happening. My name...is Beomgyu.”

Beomgyu’s father furrowed his eyebrows. “Go on.”

Beomgyu placed her hands under her thighs to try and bring herself back to earth. She could do this. 

“I am not a girl. I’m also not a boy. I’m just a person. A person who doesn’t feel right using the name I was given. But I do feel right going by the name Beomgyu. Part of the reason why I chose it was to feel close to him and mom, but mostly just because it was the name I always wanted to have. It feels like who I was always meant to be.”

Beomgyu slowly looked up at her father, praying that he wouldn’t be angry or dismissive. She really wasn’t sure how he would react, but she wanted to prepare herself for the worst.

“I get it if you’re confused, or angry, or disgusted, but I can’t help it. This is just the way I was born and I couldn’t change if I wanted to. I just want you to know I’m still your child. I’m the same kid you’ve always known. My identity doesn’t change anything, so please don’t think-”

“Disgusted?’

Beomgyu was caught off guard. “What?”

“You think I’m disgusted?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re feeling or thinking. I just thought you might be.”

Beomgyu’s father met her eyes, and Beomgyu saw they were shining with tears. “You think I could be disgusted by you?”

Beomgyu’s heart felt constricted by the pain in her father’s voice. “Maybe? We’ve never really talked about the LGBT community or your feelings on it, so I wasn’t sure how you’d react-”

“You are my da-my child. You always will be, and that means I will always love you. Nothing could ever change that.”

Beomgyu’s eyes watered. “Really?” she whispered.

“Of course. I’m so sorry that I ever let you think otherwise. I should have made sure that you knew that I could never stop loving you, especially not because of something you can’t change about yourself. I don’t really understand it, but I’ll do some research. I’ll work to be a good support for you. I’ll lead a pride parade if you want me to.”

Beomgyu smiled. “That does sound fun.”

“Then I guess I should break out the face glitter.”

“You own face glitter?”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.”

Beomgyu walked around the table and hugged her father, holding him tight. “Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. It isn’t hard for me to accept you.”

“I love you, Dad.”

“I love you too...Beomgyu.”

Even if Beomgyu’s heart was in pieces because she was in love with someone who didn’t feel the same way, she felt an overwhelming amount of joy in that moment knowing that she always had the support of her father.

_ “You going tonight?” _

Soobin tried to appear nonchalant when he watched Beomgyu read the note he’d sent. His friend briefly disappeared from view, but soon popped up and walked over to the little basket by his window to drop the note he’d written inside. He pulled on the rope connected to the basket and sent it back in Soobin’s direction. Soobin pulled the note out and saw that it said  _ “No, studying”.  _ His heart sank, though he kind of already figured Beomgyu wasn’t coming. He never went to school dances. Soobin usually didn’t either, but things had changed since he started dating Harriet. He wrote out  _ “Wish you were”  _ and sent it back Beomgyu’s way. He saw the younger smile and turn back to his binder. Soobin sighed and got his tux jacket, already dreading the night ahead. He stole one last look at Beomgyu before going downstairs, where Harriet, Gal, Maya and his parents waited to take pictures.

“There you are! Now sweetie, go stand with Harriet by the fireplace. Oh come on, put your arms around her. You too Gal, you hug Maya. That’s it. Alright...1, 2, 3! Now that is just precious! A couple of adorable couples.”

Soobin heard Gal and Maya snicker behind him. They had both come out as gay in the groupchat a few days ago, and everyone laughed at the discovery that despite them being an obvious couple, neither of them actually liked the other that way. They had decided to go to Homecoming together anyway, as the people each of them did want to go with were unavailable. Despite the fact that they had both been rejected, they seemed really happy. And Soobin was happy for them.

“Baby! Are you listening to me?”

Soobin snapped back to reality to see Harriet looking at him impatiently.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Harriet sighed in exasperation. “I asked where my corsage is.”

“Corsage?”

“Did you forget? God, just when I thought you couldn’t be any more useless. Why do the pretty ones always have to be dumb?”

Soobin saw his father make a face of disapproval out of the corner of his eye. “Don’t you think it’s a little mean to call him useless and dumb?”

“Don’t worry Mr. Chang, he doesn’t mind. Do you, sugarplum?”

Soobin swallowed. “Of course not.”

As the four kids started to make their way out the door, Soobin’s father stopped him.

“Sure you’re okay with her talking to you like that?”

Soobin would run a hand through his hair if it wasn’t full of gel and product. “It is what it is.”

“That’s what you say when the supermarket runs out of your favorite flavor of ramen, not when your girlfriend is making you feel bad about yourself. You know you don’t have to be with someone who’s mean to you. You should be with someone who makes you happy.”

“I know, Dad. I know she’s not good for me. I know I deserve better. I’m just...not strong enough to leave her.”

“‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ If you believe you’re weak, then you will be.”

“You really think I am strong enough?”

“I know that you are. Don’t underestimate yourself.”

Soobin smiled at his father. “Thanks, Dad.”

“No problem. By the way, she knows our last name is Choi, right?”

“Probably not. If Old Man Joey from the gas station, who’s arguably the kindest person alive, can be casually racist towards us, then she most definitely can.”

A lot of the night went by in a blur after that. Soobin remembered getting in the limo and going to the school, walking into the gymnasium and getting Harriet punch, dancing with her when she said she wanted to, and smiling at seeing Gal encourage Maya to go flirt with Ashley F, (the only out lesbian at school) but all of the details were fuzzy. Soobin never felt fully there. He didn’t want to be there. He wanted to be hanging out with Beomgyu in his bedroom, cuddling and watching  _ Enchanted  _ (Beomgyu thought it was the best Disney movie, but Soobin believed  _ Moana  _ deserved that title) like they always did the night of a dance, but he was a coward. So he stayed. 

“Hello hello hello, Shepton High! How are we all feeling tonight?” Ms. Kouri, (the insanely cool guidance counselor that everyone loved) said into a microphone. The crowd of teenagers cheered, and Soobin turned his attention to the center of the gym, where Ms. Kouri stood on a little platform holding some envelopes. On either side of her stood a sophomore that held a pillow with a plastic crown on it.

“It is time to see who you voted to be your Homecoming King and Queen. I have the results right here, so hold onto your hats! Now, at this moment a man would say ‘ladies first’, but I am no man. So I say, let’s announce the Queen first because fuck the patriarchy.”

The crowd cheered and Soobin smiled. Ms. Kouri was awesome. 

“Alright, so your Homecoming Queen is...Harriet Barnes!”

Everyone clapped and a spotlight went on Harriet, who was standing right next to Soobin. She put on her surprised face (that everyone really thought was super annoying but was too scared to actually admit) and walked to the “stage” to accept her crown. She walked to the mic and took it from Ms. Kouri.

“I’d like to say thank you to all of you for having good taste and telling it like it is, because who else should be up here? No one. I’d like to thank my Daddy for being rich and helping me maintain my status as the hottest person in this town, though let’s be honest I don’t have much competition. But most of all, I’d like to thank my boyfriend’s dumb best friend for not coming tonight, because not having to watch that nasty brat hang off his arm makes this victory even sweeter.”

Furious applause (prompted by fear) broke out. Soobin shook his head. What he hated the most was that he wasn’t even surprised. This was exactly the kind of stunt Harriet would pull. Calling Beomgyu a nasty brat in front of the whole school was completely in character. Soobin knew the kind of person she was by now. He knew how awful she was.  So why did he stick around? Before Harriet had said that about Beomgyu, breaking up with her seemed too scary. Soobin felt too insecure and embarrassed to dump the most popular girl in school. 

But he realized in that moment that he just didn’t care anymore. 

Suddenly he noticed that people were clapping and looking at him, and he winced from the spotlight’s brightness flooding his eyes. They must have announced him as the winner of prom king when he wasn’t paying attention. His first thought was to just turn around and walk out, but he was a petty bitch with a better idea. He walked onstage and let the sophomore put the plastic crown on his head. He walked up to the mic and looked around at his peers, spotting Gal and Maya in the crowd. He turned to his right and looked at Harriet.

“I’m breaking up with you.”

The crowd gasped and Harriet’s eyes widened. “Wh-what?”

“I’m breaking up with you. You’re getting dumped. Right now.”

“No. You can’t do that. You can’t break up with me.”

“Yeah, I can. And I just did.” Soobin turned back to the crowd. “I know you all go along with what she wants because you’re scared of her, but she doesn’t hold any real power. The things that she could possibly hang over your head-popularity, money, status-they don’t matter. A lot of us will be off in college this time next year, and none of that stuff will matter. Okay money maybe a little, but still. You don’t have to let yourself be controlled by her. She’s a teenager, just like you. We’re all just teenagers. So don’t let her get away with all her bullshit. If you see her being mean to someone, say something. If she’s mean to you, tell someone. If you’re dating her and she makes you feel really insecure and guilty about not wanting to do everything she wants...know that it’s okay to worry about yourself. You deserve someone who will be good to you. I deserve someone who will be good to me. We all deserve to go to school without worrying about one of our peers being a dictator. If you stop treating her like she has power, she’ll stop having it. So let’s all vow to not let anyone have power over us.”

Soobin expected the room to be silent, for people to stare at him blankly or boo, or for Harriet to immediately start whining and saying awful things, but he was met with applause and furious cheering. He blinked in surprise but smiled. He took off his crown and decided to break it into pieces and throw those pieces into the crowd, because when else would he have the opportunity to recreate an iconic scene from a cult classic?

“You’re going to regret this,” Harriet said. “You’re nothing but a dumb little boy without me.”

Soobin turned to her and smiled. “I’m actually going to feel the opposite of regret. Like already, I am feeling extreme joy at my decision to dump you. It feels really, really good. Oh and by the way, I’m not a boy.”

Soobin walked offstage. He walked through the crowd, high fiving people as he went. He intended to find Gal and Maya and tell them he was going home, but he was distracted by the arrival of an angel. Beomgyu walked into the gym in a floor length pastel green gown that looked remarkably familiar. Soobin immediately jogged over to him, a huge smile on his face.

“Of course your Homecoming outfit is recycled.”

“What gave it away?”

“Maybe the fact that it’s a bedsheet.” Beomgyu laughed, and Soobin thought his eyes sparkled.

“Seriously though, you look amazing.”

“Thanks. You also look amazing.”

“Thanks.” Soobin remembered what he had put in his tux’s pocket when getting dressed, because he’d had a feeling Beomgyu wasn’t coming and wanted a way to still feel close to him. He pulled out the piece of paper and unfolded it. Beomgyu looked at it and laughed. Soobin feared that he was getting rejected until Beomgyu unfolded and lifted up a paper of his own.

“You love me?”

“Of course I do, stupid. I’ve been in love with you for years. But you...you really love me?”

Soobin stepped closer to his friend (hopefully about to be more) and took his hand. “Of course, Beom. I’ve loved you from the very first day.”

“Please. We were both young when I first saw you.”

“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t instantly enchanted.”

“Then why did you start dating Harriet?”

“I’m stupid.”

“Yeah, that checks out.” Beomgyu smiled widely. “Then are you going to kiss me or what?”

Soobin grinned. “It would be my honor.”

“You’re such a fucking nerd,” Beomgyu said as he yanked Soobin down by his tux to kiss him. Soobin had had his fair share of kisses before (mostly with Harriet) but this was definitely the most magical. He couldn’t keep himself from beaming when they pulled apart. Beomgyu smiled back at him and kissed his nose.

“Let’s go home. Amy Adams awaits us.”

Five Months Later

“This looked so easy when Stevonnie did it!”

“Cause a cartoon character that’s a quarter magical space gem is a good point of reference to figure out roller skating.”

“Shut up and hold my hand.”

Beomgyu giggled and obeyed, gliding smoothly across the roller rink with her significant other on her arm. She couldn’t be happier. Just yesterday she had found out (thanks to early application) that she had been accepted to Amherst College with a full scholarship to study environmental science. Soobin was taking a gap year to figure out what his plans were, but he said that if he was going to go to college, it would probably be in Boston or New York, two cities that just happened to be close to where Beomgyu’s future school was. Purely coincidental.

“What are you thinking about?”

“How happy I am that I get to go to my dream school and we don’t have to break up. It’s not perfect considering we’ll have to be long distance this first year, but we can make it work.”

“We totally can. We don’t even need Tim Gunn to tell us to make it work, because we’re just going to do it, because that’s how good we are at making it work.”

Beomgyu laughed. “You’re so dumb.”

Soobin made a sound of mock offense. “How could you? I am wounded.”

Beomgyu rolled her eyes with a smile. “Is there anything I could do to heal your wound?”

Soobin tapped his cheek. Beomgyu leaned in, already knowing where this was going. Soobin tilted his head so their lips met and Beomgyu smiled. 

“Enough grossness, lovebirds!” Maya hollered behind them. Beomgyu turned around.

“That was child’s play compared to you and Ashley on the bus earlier.” Maya’s face went red, just as Beomgyu knew it would.

“No! We weren’t-I didn’t-it wasn’t-”

“Do you know the name of the hormone the brain releases that causes you to get all flustered when Ashley’s mentioned?” Gal teased as he skated by. Maya chased after him and Beomgyu watched them fondly. He had helped Maya conduct an incredible experiment for her college applications that impressed Pomona College so much they had given her a full scholarship and job as a paid intern in their lab working with their grad students. Gal had been accepted to Harvard, Princeton, AND Stanford, but had decided to go to Rice University so he could stay in Texas and be close to his family. In just a little over four months Beomgyu would be moving 1,719 miles from him, Soobin, and her father. Maya would be moving 1,161 miles from Soobin and Gal and 4,118 miles from Beomgyu. Gal would only be moving 257 miles from Soobin (lucky bastard.) Beomgyu would be going to a new school in a state she’d never been before where she didn’t know anyone. It was completely unprecedented for her as well as terrifying. 

But she wasn’t afraid. Because if being with Soobin taught her anything, it’s that love and life were fearless.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on twt @sparklysoobin  
> i'm doing writing commissions for BLM related causes so if there's a particular prompt or genre you want me to do, dm me your request on twitter! more details are in the pinned tweet on my profile.  
> ps i might possibly write a tyunning spin off in this universe where yeonjun is taehyun's brother and they're in california so let me know if you'd be interested in that


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